Is ‘Midlife Crisis’ For Real?
A midlife crisis can often precipitate divorce. The term ‘midlife crisis’ was coined by Elliott Jaques, a Canadian psychoanalyst, in 1965, who defined it as a ‘transition of identity and self-confidence’ that can occur typically between 45 and 65 years old. He described it as a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person’s growing age, inevitable mortality and possibly a lack of accomplishments in life. It is characterised by feelings of intense depression, remorse and anxiety, the desire to achieve youthfulness, make drastic changes to their current lifestyle or the wish to change past decisions and events.
It’s easy to find examples in real life and most people have witnessed something like it among their family, friends or acquaintances, even if they haven’t (yet) experienced it themselves. However, since Elliott Jaques described and named it, research has shown it is not a phase that most middle-aged people actually experience. Although each person’s situation and experience, at whatever age, is unique, needing a careful and individualised approach to find solutions, there are probably enough shared features of midlife crisis to be able to describe it in some detail, consider what problems it causes and to suggest sensible ways to cope with it..
What is a midlife crisis?
An article in Forbes listed 15 signs you have hit your midlife crisis.
Many of the feelings that can trigger a midlife crisis are similar for men and women:
- A feeling of boredom with life. A sense of living the same day over and over and feeling desperate for change;
- A sense of dissatisfaction with a partner and a desire either to leave them for someone younger and potentially more exciting or to have an affair;
- A sense of getting older and wanting to look and feel younger, leading to making changes in appearance and an interest in fitness;
- A desire to spend money on something flashy like a new sports car, a motorcycle, or another expensive item with a sense of youth about it;
- A new problem with substance misuse;
- A depressed state, including despair, sleeplessness, hopelessness, or a major change in eating habits;
- A preoccupation with youth or things that were missed out on in the past.
Marriage wrecking midlife crises
Obviously, when feelings like these affect someone married, they can trigger unsettled and even unreasonable behaviour which could amount to grounds for divorce. See our guidance on grounds for divorce here.
Whether the person in a crisis is you or your partner, midlife can be a time when priorities get questioned and challenged. If you’re lucky you will find a way, as a couple, to adjust your relationship to fit the emotional needs you both have. If not, then there are likely to be drastic changes that cause havoc and can wreck your marriage or relationship. So heed the warning signs and do something about it if you can.
What can a partner do?
Here are some problems your partner in a midlife crisis may show and some suggestions about what you could do:
1. Bored, bored, bored
If your partner liked their job and used to be happy at home but now seems restless or disengaged from family life, they may be feeling unfulfilled because their hopes and dreams have not been achieved. Alternatively they may have accomplished so much that they’re wondering what to do now and whether they can achieve any more. Whatever the cause, boredom can make your partner want to shake up their life. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Of course, it depends on what they do and what you’re willing to accept to remain together.
Some behaviour is high risk such as quitting a job with no new job on the horizon, but a mortgage still to pay, mouths to feed and little in the way of savings. A lower risk response might be pursuing new interests such as a time consuming hobby or sport, leaving you with all the responsibilities of a house and children.
When these kinds of impetuous things happen it’s common for a partner to think it’s just a phase but that’s a big mistake. Don’t ignore, dismiss or deny the signals, hoping they will go away, as it could cost you your relationship. Pay attention to your partner’s restlessness and listen to their concerns if you can get them to talk to you about it. Try to find a different way of living which suits you both. Compromise is often better than divorce, as long as there’s more about your partner you like and admire than what might be perceived as their ‘failings’.
2. Drastic changes of appearance and style
If your partner suddenly starts to take more of an interest in their appearance this could just be a sign of trying to deal with ageing, in which case what’s the problem? Letting themselves go might be worse. Of course it could also be a sign that their having or hoping to have an affair and:
3. Seeking excitement with someone else.
Are you suspicious your partner might be having an affair? This is probably the commonest worry. Dating apps have introduced all sorts of opportunities and problems which were never possible years ago. It’s easy to covertly seek out a new relationship, whether casual or serious.
However much you might not want to acknowledge it, you’ll have lots of hints that this is going on, and you can probably rely on your gut instincts. You might notice some surreptitious texting or becoming guarded with the mobile phone and laptop. Is your partner more secretive and closing down their devices when you approach? Are there some unconvincing excuses to explain why they haven’t been at home so much or aren’t as available as before? If you are asking yourself these kinds of questions, then your partner might well be cheating. It’s for you to decide what you think of this and to react in the way that suits you.
If you think you need to divorce, adultery is a ground. See here for a definition and here if you’re interested in finding out more about divorce and how to get one.
4. They spend less time with you and seem uninterested
Of course this could be a consequence of seeking excitement with someone else but it could just as easily be something at work which is creating pressure and anxiety. Be direct and ask your partner about anything that’s worrying them. It may not be what you suspect. There may be something you can do about it yourself.
5. Drinking too much or starting to use other substances.
This one will be obvious because you will smell the alcohol on their breath, come across signs of substance misuse and see its effects on their behaviour. This can be a serious problem requiring specialist help but first you need to ask what’s happening and what the problem is.
Some special issues affecting women?
There may be some specific issues for women who have devoted their lives up to that point to looking after children. The children leaving home can cause an abrupt change in a woman’s role as a parent. A woman may suddenly feel bored and purposeless, especially if she hasn’t been in employment. If this is combined with a loss of a sense of attractiveness, this state of mind can result in impulsive behaviour such as infidelity and an interest in younger sexual partners,without thinking about long term consequences.
Don’t ignore the crisis.
The best advice is not to ignore a midlife crisis but to take responsibility for the shared situation. Communication is key because that way you might find a solution. Divorce is a major traumatic event with long term costs and consequences. It will certainly affect your living arrangements, your children’s arrangements, your income and expenditure and the emotional wellbeing of everyone affected in a bad way. If you want to know more about divorce see our advice about it here where you’ll find some answers to commonly asked questions and here for our guidance on child custody and contact. If you can agree changes in the way you live your lives together it may be better for everyone.