Narcissists easily deceive the family court
The courts can be very naive when faced with a convincing, articulate and intelligent narcissist, whether male or female, who can charm them into dismissing your complaints and blaming you for the problems. It may be tempting to try to label them a narcissist in your evidence but do not do so. Proving domestic abuse can be difficult at the best of times, especially when the evidence is one person’s word against another’s, but it is even harder if your abuser is a narcissist. A narcissist will have spent their life seeing themselves as the victim and is likely to be skilled at laying the blame for any problems on others, especially you. This can make it very difficult to get people to understand that you aren’t the problem.
Narcissist is a frequently used label in social media
Lots of people complain online about narcissists and narcissistic personality disorder and the harm they’ve suffered at their hands. There are Facebook groups, blogs and YouTube videos dedicated to the topic, discussing the signs and symptoms, the perils of getting involved with someone who presents in this way and how to manage your interactions with them. But if you’re facing a narcissist in the family court or any other similar arena don’t try to prove that this label applies and that your ex meets the criteria for this diagnosis, as it will only unnecessarily complicate things and misses the point completely.
‘Narcissism’ is not a legal term
To successfully prove your case of domestic abuse or coercive control by a narcissist you need evidence of the narcissist’s actual abusive or coercive behaviour towards you. The only way to do that is to have detailed records of what has actually happened. Don’t get distracted into trying to prove that they can be labelled a narcissist.
‘Narcissism’ and ‘narcissist’ are not legal terms. ‘Narcissism’ and ‘narcissistic personality disorder’ are diagnostic, medical and psychological terms to describe a tendency to behave in particular ways but do not define precisely what any individual person’s behaviour may actually be. The diagnosis includes a wide range of behaviours, some of which the person in question may have and some they will not have. You would need a medical or psychological expert to prove the diagnosis and it’s unlikely the court would allow it. It would be expensive to get an expert opinion and of little value to your case. Diagnosing it is certainly not the job of a parent or spouse in the family court.
Nonetheless, it’s still helpful for you to know what ‘narcissism’ and ‘narcissistic personality disorder’ mean as it will help you describe the behaviours you have evidence for.
What is narcissism?
See our detailed description of narcissism
To learn more about narcissism, go to our detailed guide which gives a full description of the pattern of behaviour that makes up the syndrome. It will help you to know how to describe the behaviour you have experienced. Use these descriptions to help you make a record of each abusive event you have experienced. Being able to describe the events in detail, using ONRECORD, will help you gather convincing evidence to help you make your case.
Degrees of severity
There are degrees of severity of narcissism, severity meaning the amount of harm it causes the person themselves and those around them. The worse the narcissism is, the more harm it causes. At the milder end of the scale, they may just be an attention-seeking nuisance or perhaps charming company, if sometimes annoying. At the severe end are people whose narcissism causes serious harm to themselves and others and consequently. Narcissists who cause harm can be diagnosed as having a narcissistic personality disorder. They may engage in a wide range of harmful behaviours, such as those listed below. To learn more about each of these behaviours, follow the links:
- making false allegations and deception to mislead the court
- gaslighting
- parental alienation
- domestic abuse
- coercive controlling behaviours
Men can be victims of narcissistic behaviour too
Men can be victims of narcissism by women just as women can be victims of men. A degree of chauvinistic bias among the judiciary can make it seem harder for men to persuade a court that a woman’s narcissistic behaviour is anything other than feminine charm or vulnerable victimhood. It can be very hard for a court to assess and evaluate the behaviour that it sees during a hearing, with little background knowledge of the personalities involved. The only way to counter this is by a detailed and painstaking record and description of each event to show the pattern of the narcissist’s behaviour - but don’t use the word ‘narcissist’ to try to illustrate it.
Step away from the diagnostic label
From a legal point of view, being a narcissist is not what’s relevant. The key question is not “Will I be able to prove that my opponent is a narcissist?” but “How can I show the behaviours of my opponent are serious enough to be taken into account in decision making and are harmful and especially harmful to my children?” It’s the children and what abuse they may be experiencing which are the primary interest of the court, not a label or diagnosis of your opponent.
So don’t refer to either of these labels in your evidence. For the purposes of a legal case you need to concentrate on describing the person’s actual behaviour, the things they do and say, and its impact on you and the children. You will need to have good evidence of those behaviours in records you’ve kept.
Only by having evidence of abusive behaviour, whether it is narcissistic or any other kind of dysfunctional behaviour, can a court properly understand your problem and what needs to be done to sort it out.